When should children stop bathing with parents?

April 2007

This issue was recently brought to my attention. I am a single mom and my 2 year old bathes with me regularly. Never once have I questioned the morality of this. It seemed to me to be a perfectly natural and normal thing to do. Matter of fact, I even enjoy it at times. There are times, however, when I would love to be able to take a relaxing bath alone. This hardly ever happen, though. As soon as my child sees me in the tub, he want to join me. He brings the water guns, animals, boats, and crayola crayon soaps with him.
I always looked at bath time as a time for learning and self discovery. My son even learned his primary colors and how to count to five around his first birthday by playing with the colored crayons and by me singing repetitive, home-made jingles about them and his other play things. If he wanted a certain toy or color, he’d have to ask for it by name or color. If he couldn’t, I’d help, but eventually he didn’t need my help at all. It was a game to him and he quickly caught on. Not to mention he learned the names of several animals and the sounds that they make. He had a fish, an alligator, a frog, a duck, etc. By reinforcing these things with song and rhyme, his vocabulary grew exponentially and very rapidly.
And because he is a male child and I am a woman, it was easy for me to teach him the difference between a boy and a girl. My son was breast fed for almost two years, and so naturally him seeing my breasts was not a concern for me. It was as natural as breast feeding itself. My genitalia, on the other hand, was never exposed to him. But what he did and does understand is that girls have boobies and boys have “weeka weekas.” Yes I know, I should have been using the correct anatomical terms for these body parts, but call me old-fashioned. It was my choice.
So I was sort of taken aback when his dad was recently concerned about him still taking baths with me. He told me that he’d listened to a radio show and they were discussing the dangers and potential future problems associated with children and parental nudity. I admit that I didn’t hear the show and was not able to go back and retrieve it, but I did feel annoyed that someone would make something negative out of something that seemed so positive. Another thing to ponder…
Have you ever left a 2 year old alone to his devices while you took a bath or shower in another room?
Needless to say, though, I did find myself for the first time wanting and needing to get more information on the subject. I am the last person in the world who wants to unknowingly cause some detrimental damage to my child’s psyche or his future behavior and well-being.
Now even though I’ve never thought it was wrong for me to bathe with my son, the truth is I do cringe at the thought of a baby girl bathing with her father. When my son’s in the tub with me, sometimes he sits on my lap as I wash is hair and back. Sometimes we hug and sing songs. But that picture doesn’t quite seem right to me when I see the scenario change and the genders are switched. Could I be biased? Could I be sexist? Could I be “pedophilophobic?” Am I doing the same thing the radio personality and/or his quest speaker were doing when they stated that these things could cause the child to become prematurely curious about sex?
And so I decided to do some research of my own. And what I found was that because of the prolific and sensationalized media on sexual molestation of children, people have started to confuse natural and nonsexual nudity with sexuality and sexual depravity. I found more text that stated the benefits of children seeing occasional parental nudity in a natural setting. This does not mean that children should be exposed to parents having sex or fondling each other, or just walking around naked in the house all day, for that matter. But bath time, or in instances where the child walks in as the parent is getting dressed are okay. These are the times when nudity is natural and common. It opens the child to the idea of being comfortable with their own bodies, which may actually lead to the child having higher self esteem. It’s also a wonderful teaching opportunity, because the children get to ask questions about their bodies and have them answered by their parents, instead of other children. And when the child - and they will - wants to touch, it’s the perfect time for the parent to teach them what is acceptable behavior and what is not.
Because sexual molestation is a real threat, children need to also know what kind of touch is acceptable from others. Parents can teach the child the difference between good touch, bad touch, and secret touch. A good touch - a hug, a pat, a hand shake, a tickle, etc.
A bad touch - a punch, a bite, a push, a shove.
A secret touch - being touch in a secret place or in any place specified by the parent, or or being touched by anyone asking the child to keep it a secret.
One article stated that the parents can use the bathing suit analogy, simply explaining to the child that no one should touch him or her in any place that the bathing suit covers.
So now we have a children who know the names of body parts, know the difference between the touches, are not ashamed of their bodies, are comfortable talking about them with their parents, and have the words to express themselves. This open communication is a crucial key in protecting children from sexual predators.
And so after all of my research, I’ve decided to continue to bathe with my son until I’m no longer comfortable with it, or he lets me know he’s no longer comfortable with it - whichever comes first.
Here’s some related articles on the subject:

http://parenting.ivillage.com/mom/structure/0,,444q,00.html
http://www.askdrsears.com/faq/az26.asp
http://www.ingentaconnect.com/content/klu/aseb/1998/00000027/00000004/00225636
http://sexuality.about.com/od/sexeducationforparent1/a/nudity_at_home.htm
http://www.westchestergov.com/ptk/Reportingabuse.htm
http://www.protectkids.com/
http://www.co.ramsey.mn.us/NR/rdonlyres/CFB38D8C-0BC9-4080-AA1B-D3DF7025D015/1445/curriculum_12.pdf